You say that you want to be drug tested once a week, with a different member of the media getting to review the results each time.
You apologize to your wife for involving her in this and you describe how you sat your kids down and looked them in the eye.
Next, you do the hardest thing. You apologize to Brian McNamee.
Finally, you let Mitchell have the last word. Expect appropriate, articulate and scholarly.
Then go home, turn on the TV and watch how fast the worm will turn. Americans want to forgive you, to love you again, and the media that battles now for every stray eye and ear will quickly tune in to that and lead your reversal of fortune.
You will always be damaged goods, but a scar is infinitely better than the current stake you have protruding from your heart.
Your window of time is closing fast. Get rid of those two legal lumps you hired, Frick and Frack. Sit down, take a long look in the mirror. Then do it.
Oh, and no thanks needed here. We're on to the next fix-it projects, FEMA and Barry Bonds.
This could get tougher.
Bill Dwyre can be reached at email@example.com. To read previous columns by Dwyre, go to latimes.com/dwyre.