Clean out your ears, and listen for moutza winner

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A Moutza of the Month is a terrible thing to waste, especially if you waste May's moutza on me, and not on that earwax-eating Florida congressman and so many others, like the crazy ax-wielding guy on a dating show.

"Take that meaty paw of yours and smack yourself in the head with it," petitioned Patricia M. on Facebook.

"Hey, Prickly," writes Barbara Kaplan, a defender of Mayor Rahm Emanuel who was upset that I called him Mayor Prickly and suggested ways to improve his likability. "How splendid it is that you wish to 'help' Rahm Emanuel round out his personality! A slew of moutzes to you. Nah!"

Thank you, Patricia and Barbara, but I must respectfully decline. I will not self-moutza — which would be an abuse of the ancient Hellenic curse of the open hand and the Nah! Or Feesa etho (Blow right here).

There are important moutzes to bestow. Like the one for Sefer Calinak, a contestant on a famed Turkish television dating show called "Luck of the Draw."

As he was answering questions from his prospective bride-to-be, he disclosed a couple of things. Call it too much information. He confessed he'd been married once, and he had a girlfriend, once, too.

And he said he killed them both with an ax.

"Women would leave me after I told them that I murdered my previous wives," he confessed on the show.

He did insist, however, that only the wife was on purpose. The girlfriend was just a fluke, he insisted. Besides, he did 14 years in a (you guessed it) Turkish prison.

"If not the moutza at least the best quote of the month, 'She was accidentally killed when I swung an axe,' goes to Sefer Calinak," Paul M. Klekner wrote on Facebook.

When I visited Turkey a few years back, some Turkish friends there told me that they had adopted the moutza eons ago. Some even claimed to have invented it and lent it to Greeks.

Meanwhile, the producers of "Luck of the Draw," who also know of the moutza's power, admitted they should have done a background check on the ax murderer.

Producers, Nah!

Let's not forget Danielle Shea, 22, who dropped out of Quinnipiac University in Connecticut but didn't tell her parents, who showed up for the commencement. What did Shea do?

She allegedly called in two bomb threats to police. But the university merely moved graduation to another facility. Authorities caught up with her and charged her with a felony.

Danelle Shea, I guess you're not going on a European vacation, are you?

How about a double: Nah! and Nah! again.

Reader Robert B. didn't want to nominate anyone. "What difference does it make?" he said.

Well, it makes a big difference. How else may we honor U.S. Rep. Joe Garcia, the Florida Democrat immortalized on C-SPAN during a committee hearing on government surveillance programs.

Apparently, his ear was itchy, so he dug his finger in there, drilled around a bit, removed his prize and ate it.

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