Here's a sign of the end days: Sexy dog costumes

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Chicago Tribune columnist John Kass and Chicago Tribune reporter Jenniffer Weigel discuss the trend of sexy costumes for dogs.

With Halloween almost here, you're probably on the lookout for truly terrifying costumes.

But you can forget about vampires. Yes, they were once scary creatures, back when Americans commonly believed that all of us had souls.

These days, though, vampires don't take your soul as much as they hang out with you and your friends. Vampires are now teen idols. They can get married, even have children or lose their girlfriend to a werewolf. That's not scary, that's just awkward.

Yet you'll be happy to know that this Halloween I've found something to be absolutely terrified about:

Sexy dog costumes.

There is nothing that says Unmistakable Sign of the Apocalypse like a sexy dog costume.

One company offers a Marilyn Monroe pooch outfit for $19.99. It comes with a white "Seven-Year Itch" dress, a blond Marilyn Monroe bleached wig and ample cleavage.

Yes, that's right. Cleavage. For your dog.

According to the ad copy: "How many times have you as a pet owner said, 'Hey, Sprinkles looks great, but wouldn't some … enhancements … really spice up her outfit?"

How many times have you thought your dog needed human female prosthetic breasts?

If you've ever said, "Yes, Sprinkles really needs those enhancements!" then, please just burn yourself at the stake and be done with it.

I'm not even going to get into the subject of whether dogs should wear costumes or not. I've seen a few funny dog costumes, the best being a white Bull Terrier with a sweater, fake "arms" and trousers on the front legs, so it looked like a human with a dog head.

And still, that means a complete loss of dignity for the dog.

It's even worse when humans put their dogs in French maid outfits. They should be arrested. The humans, I mean.

I walked outside to get a few quotes from pedestrians minding their own business. Most folks edged away from me when I confronted them, pen and paper in hand, with the question: "Sexy dog costumes?"

But not Jean Cate, a student at the Art Institute of Chicago. She and her King Charles spaniel named Martha Mae were brave about it, standing on North Michigan Avenue. Martha wore a classic Burberry sweater.

"We all wear costumes," said Cate, who studies printmaking. "We (meaning humans) wear costumes all the time."

I pointed to my crazy get-up: black oxfords, gray trousers, oxford cloth blue shirt, rep tie, blue blazer and suspenders. The look I was going for?

A father of teenage twins who are applying for college.

"Are you upset?" Cate asked. "Everyone wears a costume of one kind or another. We express ourselves with our clothing, with choices of color, texture, style."

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