Ah, the Little Bike People are angry. They think I mock them, but really, I like them. Really.
Last week, when I wrote that they should be treated equally — with fees and tickets from those dang City Hall red light/speed cameras, just like car drivers get — they stamped their cleated feet with rage.
Yet to prove I really do care, I decided to let the Little Bike People have their writes today, too.
You are the worst person ever. I cannot believe that a newspaper claiming to actually have news in it would let a farce like yourself contribute. Are you really this awful or do you do this for attention? Jake T.
Jake, no. I do it for love. I love you, man, really.
Dude, you've got a great gig there at the Tribune. You spout invective about us little bike people, and get paid for it? Wow, that's cool. You write like a 4th grader, a very immature one. So you and your fat (deleted) spout on while you sit behind the wheel of your SUV consuming fossil fuels and heating up the globe. Jon S.
Thanks, Jon. But I'd like to think I write like a very mature fourth-grader.
They take my soccer and my little bike person status, what will be left of me? Hath not a Little Bike Person eyes? Hath not a soccer player and LBP hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as a Chicago Democrat is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that. JD.
Dear JD, that's so beautiful. But didn't Elmore Leonard write that a couple of years ago?
Kass, since when have you become "Big Government People"? Ed B.
I'm not. I'm opposed to big government. But the Little Bike People have become City Hall's new political laboratory rats. They've organized into little bike groups. Why not call them LBP Nation and the Rahm Transportation Collective? The Little Bike People will vote for politicians who give the organizers perks and protect them from laws visited upon others (namely, drivers). And finally, after having been massaged like veal and led into the feedlots, they'll become part of the revenue stream. Please, Little Bike People, understand that I love you and I'm trying to help before it's too late.
The tone of your writing about bicyclists is repugnant. Why don't you choose a more appropriate target for your cynicism? Robert M.
Dear Bobbie: You mean like Dick Durbin?
As a sometimes bike commuter, I'm fine with paying $100 if all the white flight cowards paid a commuter tax of $25 (you can even throw in jaywalking rights). Jake H.