It's not every day that a Moutza of the Month comes with a free online video demonstrating how to flick your fingers and palm and say "Nah!" as you aim the ancient Hellenic curse at some deserving moron. But more on that later.
For right now, the main thing is this:
Who wins August's Moutza of the Month award?
There are so many worthy candidates, like the vice president of the United States, a white Democrat who talked down to black voters and played the race card while using the voice of a black preacher. And not a smart black preacher either.
Or what of those among the Spandex Mafia of angry bicycle commuters in Chicago — who read my column involving a gigantic animatronic plastic Mayor Rahm Emanuel, eyes glowing, collecting bike tolls — and thought I was seriously advocating a new way to gouge the taxpayers? Got your bike shorts in a knot? Nah!
Let's not forget to honor the mom of an American Olympic athlete who announced, rather boastfully on network television, that her son had time only for one-night stands.
"He goes out on one-night stands," said Ike Lochte, mother of swimmer Ryan Lochte. "He's not able to give fully to a relationship because he's always on the go."
Oh, mom, you're so darn cool. That will really help him with the chicks — Nah!
Speaking of publicized sexcapades, the British tabloid The Sun ran a series of photos of a naked Prince Harry because, the paper editorialized, the people needed to see them.
There was a "clear public interest … in order for the debate around them to be fully informed." Debate around what, the naked prince, his special purpose and his inamorata? Whatever happened to "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"? Editors of The Sun, take five. Feesa etho (Blow on this). Nah!
Marc Morial, president of the National Urban League, is making a civil rights issue out of a $315 Nike basketball shoe with LeBron James' name on it.
"It's insensitive to market a $300 shoe to kids and teenagers as people are going back to school and struggling to buy school supplies," Morial was quoted by The Wall Street Journal. He asked Nike to cancel the shoe.
Insensitive? How about parents being parents and saying No! or better yet, Nah? Doesn't the Urban League have more important things to worry about? How about double-digit black unemployment under President Barack Obama, and black kids sentenced to substandard schools so political bosses can maintain power. Mr. Morial, you should talk to my hand. Nah!
And now comes U.S. Rep. Todd "Moron" Akin, the Missouri Republican who should have his own TV show: "Moron's Anatomy."
"If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down," said Akin, who late last week still stubbornly refused to withdraw his candidacy for the U.S. Senate.
At least Akin promptly apologized. It wasn't one of those "if you were offended" apologies, but a real apology.
"What I said was ill-conceived, and it was wrong," Akin said. "I really just want to apologize to those that I've hurt."
OK, but you still get a double Moutza for using the phrase "legitimate rape" and saying that women can will away a pregnancy. Nah, and nah.
But some politicians on the left just won't apologize. Like Cook County Board President Toni "Sensible Shoes" Preckwinkle, who embarrassed her office by saying that for his anti-drug policies, the late President Ronald Reagan deserved a "special place in hell." Later she issued a statement saying she regretted the comment.
Consigning someone to a place in hell, to burn for eternity, lashed by demons, because you disagree with someone's politics? And then only regrets? Regret is not an apology. And so Toni P., you get a double-backhanded Moutza and a little feesa etho to put out perdition's flames. Nah!
Now we come to the main event. So get your arm ready, flex those fingers, you know what to do. Just do it to Vice President Joe Biden, for playing the race card and using a black Southern accent to warn voters in Virginia that Republican Mitt Romney would enslave them. "They're going to put y'all back in chains!" Biden said.
He refused to apologize, as did Obama, though if a Republican vice president dared talk like that, editorialists would demand his resignation and Democrats would insist that politician deserved, well, a special place in hell.
So, for playing the race card, and talking like a black preacher, using "y'all" when you're just a big-mouthed white guy from Delaware, Joe Biden gets the Moutza of the Month.
Joe, this one's for you: Nah!
Note: I want to thank all of you who came out to this year's sold-out "Cooking With Kass" event last weekend. It might sound corny, but I got a little emotional. There is nothing like sitting and talking with readers, eating roast pork, drinking cold beer and teaching them how to Moutza. And a special thank you to Sweet Baby Ray's for cooking the pork, the students of the Washburne Culinary Institute for helping out and the crackerjack Tribune Events staff for pulling it off. Let's do it next year.
And here's a link to the video — with some fancy Moutza action — if you're interested. Just don't point it at me.
Go to chicagotribune.com/cookingwithkass.