In the latest Moutza match, one figure stands above the rest

  • Pin It

Chicago Tribune columnist John Kass on the effect of rising controversies within the White House. (Posted on: May 31, 2013)

The human hand can hold a violin, paintbrush, poet’s pen, even a meat cleaver.

But in the case of Attorney General Eric Holder, perhaps an empty hand is best.

So spread your fingers wide, thrust your naked, open palm in Holder’s general direction and say the magic word of my ancestors:

Nah!

Yes, it’s Moutza of the Month time, this one for the May Moutza.

Though Holder appears desperate for the honor — so much so that in a photograph he appears to give a Moutza to a congressional committee — there are many others who are worthy.

People like Internal Revenue Service boss Lois “The Fifth” Lerner, the allegedly murderous Florida phone butt-dialer, the White Sox for dropping three out of three games to the Cubs, and a mommy named Heather.

Heather Barringer, 27, and her husband, Adam, 29, left North Carolina recently for Pohoa, Hawaii, according to the Charlotte Observer.

She planned to swim with dolphins and “bond” with them, before giving birth in a pool of dolphins.

“It is about reconnecting as humans with the dolphins,” said Heather, “so we can coexist in this world together and learn from one another.”

Isn’t that nice? Two semi-intelligent predator species together in the water, celebrating the birth of a helpless infant, one species with teeth. Dolphins aren’t vegans, dude.

Oh, one more thing, Heather:

Nah!

At least she could have considered bearing a child on land, say in a den of Siberian wolves and call him “Forest Boy.” Or with hyenas on a hill. Maybe in a river with piranhas.

It’s not all about you, Heather. It’s all about the child. There’s a reason for hospitals. Let’s hope you never have to learn this.

But you go right ahead and deliver your firstborn into a pool of intelligent sea creatures that eat meat, have rows of sharp teeth and have been known to bite tourists.

Remember Flipper, Heather? He says Nah! too.

Speaking of Moutzes, Time magazine is once again breaking the bonds of decency with the journalistic equivalent of something once illegal in many states.

It’s Time’s Rahm Emanuel Big Love Extravaganza, with the Rahmfather on the cover. He stands on an “L” platform, hands in his pockets. The headline? “Chicago Bull.”

  • Pin It