I say "Merry Christmas."
But if someone offers a "Happy Hanukkah" or "Merry Kwanzaa" -- even those timid souls with their safely corporate "Happy holidays" -- I thank them. They're being kind.
Yet the other day I was watching TV, and saw something astounding: a commercial for the Illinois Lottery, aimed at getting people to buy lottery tickets as gifts. It's sung to the much-beloved Christmas hymn "Joy to the World," which you'll hear in just about every church on Christmas Eve. Here are the new lyrics, as approved by the Illinois political bureaucrats:
Joy to that guy/who took away your futon
And the man who shampooed and conditioned
And the lady who constructed/Your amazing cat tower
Plus the butcher who sliced your beef paper thin
And the neighbor who rocks out softly after ten.
On screen, the carpet-cleaner guy kneels on a rug. He's happy. The cat's mistress is happy. The rocking neighbor (who whispers while singing) is so old, he probably remembers when Black Sabbath played the Amphitheatre. He's happy. The happy butcher slices the beef paper thin, so you can save on food costs and use the savings to buy him even more lottery tickets.
Then comes a revealing voice-over that speaks directly to the heart of The Chicago Way and invokes one of the pillars of Illinois politics:
"Joy someone with holiday scratch-offs from the Illinois Lottery," says a narrator. "Who knows? They might joy you back."
That's a kickback. You joy me, I joy you. Isn't that what contractors call it when they're caught on FBI surveillance tape bringing "joy" to politicians? One famous Chicago politician stored his "joy" in the freezer, right next to the rib-eyes and the lobster tails.
A Sun-Times story applauded the commercial, from the ad agency Energy BBDO and directed by a fellow named Aaron Ruell. As a piece of directing, as a technical matter, it's clean work.
I suppose they could have made a commercial using a secular Santa song, or something about drunken elves throwing snowballs and guzzling mulled wine. No one would care, except lawyers for the Snowman & Elf Collective. And no political bureaucrat would ever risk being condemned as insensitive by elves. Slapping Christianity, though, is another matter.
The hymn "Joy to the World" was written in 1719 by Englishman Isaac Watts. Many of you know how it begins: