Ben Hogan bought the fairway to heaven, Humphrey Bogart no longer stands pickled and perched beneath the sycamore on No. 12 and member Jim Murray isn't around to describe Riviera Country Club, as he once did, as "like a coquettish woman who winks at you behind her fan."
Where is Dean Martin, holding a full house in the clubhouse, when you need him?
Tiger Woods might tell you about Riviera, but he hasn't been here since 2006, even though the club let him play as an amateur on an exemption in his first PGA tournament when Tiger was just a cub.
Woods has conquered Augusta National, the pines at Torrey and St. Andrews, but he remains in the winless protection program at one of the game's best tracks.
The good news is the best golfing Riviera guide left on Earth, Fred Couples, is in the field for a record 31st time.
Couples, 53, needed a helping hand to get here and received it in the form of a sponsor's exemption for the Northern Trust Open, which begins Thursday.
He makes no apologies for robbing some tour rookie of his ticket-in dream.
"There are some tournaments where I feel like people deserve to play, and I feel like I deserve to be in this field," Couples said.
Couples is a two-time winner here, in 1990 and 1992, and about as beloved on course as the sunsets over Pacific Palisades.
Will Couples be a four-day factor?
That is highly doubtful, although few outside the 144-player field would be opposed to the idea.
Couples remains capable of periodic spells of magic. At Riviera he finished tied for seventh as recently as 2010, and last year shot a first-day 70 before a 76 sent him on his way. That second-day tee time of 7:09 a.m. was a killer, though, and this year he's set to go off Thursday at 7:22.
"I might not play well, but I'm going to get up a heck of a lot earlier and try to get ready," Couples said.
There are more logical choices to win on this par-71, historic course of 7,349 yards.
All Haas had to do to win was roll in a 45-foot birdie putt on the par-four 10th hole.
For dramatic effect, these same three men are grouped together with a 7:11 tee time Thursday on — where else? — the 10th hole.
Ah, what memories.
"If I bogey the first hole right out the gate, I'll forget about it," Haas said about last year's heroics on No. 10. "It's what have you done for me lately in this game."
Mickelson is an even bet here to win or bomb out. He's already had a Phil-like season, following a remarkable performance at the Phoenix Open with an outing at Pebble Beach that literally ended up on the rocks.