Love waits. No, really, it does.
These couples agree: It's never too late to find a love that lasts
Lesley Stephens, right, and David Hansen walk around their neighborhood on Saturday Jan. 27, 2012 in Bellingham, Wash. The two married, the first for both, when he was 46 and she was 39. "It's just nice to have companionship," says David. (ANDY BRONSON, Chicago Tribune / January 28, 2012)
Not so many miles away on that chilly December's eve of 2009, Michael Thomas, a cop who was also 40, had just come home from work, ordered in beef lo mein and pot stickers, and had no ambitions for the night other than a few video games and catching a few Friday-night TV shows.
For reasons Cadigan still can't pinpoint, that fateful night she clicked her way to the Internet dating site Match.com.
"I never thought it would happen to me," she says, "but within five minutes I ended up seeing my husband. It was the first photo I saw that night, and I remember saying, 'Whoa, there are some really cute guys on here.' I winked at him" (that's Match lingo for letting him know she found him cute).
Over at his lonely-bachelor pad, Thomas caught the wink and clicked right back, sending an instant message that led to a real-life date just 48 hours later. By Christmas Eve, he'd blurted out, "I love you," as he dropped her off at home. And by 10-10-10, as they like to refer to their wedding date, they were husband and wife.
Cadigan and Thomas are Exhibits A and B in the collected tales of true romance later in life.
We talked to plenty like them, folks who never thought they would find "the one," some who never even wanted to get married ("When I was a little girl, I never played bride; I played queen or teacher," says one such woman who married at 42), and plenty of folks who were perfectly willing to wait till Ms. or Mr. Right came along.
While it's hard to say just how many Americans fall into the first-time-in-love-in-their-40s-or-50s set, eHarmony.com says that on its site in the last three years, folks looking for love in their 40s and 50s have become the fastest-growing demographic. And eHarmony boasts 542 marriages a day of couples who found compatibility on its site, based on a 2009 Harris Interactive poll.
Science behind later love
Gian Gonzaga, a social and personality psychologist who runs eHarmony's relationship research facility in Los Angeles (and the brains behind the 236-question compatibility questionnaire that is the hallmark of eHarmony), has been studying for the past 20 years what accounts for long-term romantic success. He figures he has interviewed tens of thousands of couples.
He knows intimately the landscape of love later in life and, in a recent phone call, ticked through the advantages and the drawbacks, which he points out are often one and the same.
"In the advantages column, you've got people who tend to be more secure in the day-to-day of their lives" compared with younger daters, Gonzaga says. "They've got better jobs, they're likely financially solid and have completed their education. Since finances are the biggest thing couples fight about, that removes one of the big stressors."
Another thing, he says, is that by the time you're nearing 40, "who you are psychologically tends to crystallize. You're not locked in, but you've stabilized who you are, and it's a little bit easier to depend on the other person being who they seem to be. We change most radically between the ages of 18 and 22."
Then there's this recurring anthem: "One of the things we often hear from this age bracket is, 'I kind of get what's important to me,'" the love doctor adds.
For Lesley Stephens, a speech pathologist who considered herself "eternally single" at 35, it didn't hit her over the head the first time she went out for Indian food with David Hansen, a medical resident who was 42 at the time.
But just one month later, says Stephens, something suddenly, undeniably hit her: "There's just knowing that you know. It was a feeling, 'This is serious.'
"I could just totally be myself around him."
Stephens and Hansen married when she was 39 and he was 46, the first marriage for both: "Things just felt natural and simple."