Sharing victories is key to a winning marriage

  • Pin It

How's this for sobering?

"The majority of marriages fail, either ending in divorce and separation or devolving into bitterness and dysfunction," writes The Atlantic's Emily Esfahani Smith in a recent essay. "Of all the people who get married, only 3 in 10 remain in healthy, happy marriages."

In its entirety, Smith's "Masters of Love" article is less pessimistic, focusing on what sets successful couples apart. She cites research from social scientists, psychologists and marriage counselors and concludes that, mostly, it comes down to being nice.

"If you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it's often a breakdown of kindness," she writes.

This applies to lousy, spirit-breaking times in your marriage. It also applies to the good times.

"How someone responds to a partner's good news," she writes, "can have dramatic consequences for the relationship."

This stopped me cold. Why don't we hear that more? Why is it so easy to forget to genuinely celebrate each other's victories, large and small?

I called Don and Carrie Cole, a husband-and-wife couples counselor team trained through the Gottman Institute, the Seattle-based center whose research is cited all over the Atlantic piece.

When you tell your partner you aced an exam or landed a job or met a nerve-wracking deadline, how he or she responds lifts you up or cuts you to the quick, says Don Cole.

"Successful couples are tuned in and know what's going on inside their partner's head and heart," he says. "When his wife comes home and says, 'I got a good grade on my paper,' the husband knows what a big deal that is. He doesn't stare at his phone and say, 'Oh, that's nice.'"

The Atlantic piece cites a 2006 study that placed responses to good news in four categories: passive destructive, active destructive, passive constructive and active constructive.

Say a woman just got into medical school, Smith writes. Her partner can reply with one of the following:

"You wouldn't believe the great news I got yesterday! I won a free T-shirt!" (Passive destructive)

"That's great, babe," as he continues texting. (Passive constructive)

"Are you sure you can handle all the studying? And what about the cost? Med school is so expensive!" (Active destructive)

"That's great! Congratulations! When did you find out? Did they call you? What classes will you take first semester?" (Active constructive)

The last one, obviously, puts the others to shame.

"'Oh, that's nice' isn't necessarily unkind," Carrie Cole says. "But it's not what your partner needs at that moment."

She needs a reminder that her big deals are your big deals, that her happiness is your happiness. That you believe in her.

"We think about empathy when things are not going well, 'Oh, you must be so sad,'" Carrie Cole says. "But empathy goes in the other direction, when you validate how good something must feel for your partner."

  • Pin It

Search our recipe database:

Search Recipes  

Food Trends, Tips & Recipes

Season your turkey with Cuban flavors

Season your turkey with Cuban flavors

Give thanks for a turkey seasoned with memories.

Dressed in black

Halloween fare dressed in black

Set an elegant tone come Oct. 31 for a grown-up Halloween dinner with noir-hued dishes.

EATINGWELL: Healthy caramel apple needn't be short on taste

Healthy caramel apple that's not short on taste

This healthy caramel apple recipe has just enough caramel to give a nice hit of salty-sweet flavor in each bite for a tasty dessert.

Rich pumpkin tart without using dairy

Rich pumpkin tart without using dairy

A cheesecake-like pumpkin tart made vegan with tofu is flavorful and rich.